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Chapter 29
Edited by: Planetes
Fang Zhaomu took a nap again in Song Yuanxun’s car.
Song Yuanxun’s home was about three kilometres away from Fang Zhaomu’s place. When Mu and Andrew matched with each other, the app had shown that they were very close to each other. By the time Song Yuanxun parked his car in the garage, Fang Zhaomu had awaken, and he led Fang Zhaomu to the second floor.
The guest room was maintained properly all year round, and there were toiletries prepared. Song Yuanxun helped Fang Zhaomu put down his things, and left without staying for too long.
Weary with the day’s work, and also yet to fully wake up from his nap, Fang Zhaomu washed up and went to bed.
The next morning, Fang Zhaomu was a little giddy, his body aching, and his throat hurt. It seemed like the oncoming symptoms of a cold. He was very thirsty, and headed downstairs without changing out of his pyjamas.
Song Yuanxun’s place was pretty big. Fang Zhaomu made his way to the dining area from his vague memory, and Song Yuanxun was there already. He was fiddling about in the kitchen, it looked like he was cooking porridge.
“Song Yuanxun.”
Song Yuanxun turned to look at Fang Zhaomu. “You’re awake?”
“I think I may have caught a cold,” Fang Zhaomu sneezed. “Do you have water? I’m very thirsty.”
Song Yuanxun put down the ladle he was stirring the porridge with. Picking up a jacket by the side, he passed it to Fang Zhaomu for him to cover himself, and increased the central air by two degrees before pouring Fang Zhaomu a glass of water.
Taking the glass, Fang Zhaomu drank a mouthful. Song Yuanxun then asked, “How did you catch a cold? We didn’t go to anywhere too cold yesterday.”
“Might have caught it from you.”
“I was wearing a mask.” Song Yuanxun denied.
Fang Zhaomu mercilessly reminded him. “You weren’t wearing it when you kissed me.”
Song Yuanxun paused as he looked at Fang Zhaomu. “I’ll go find some medicine.”
“No need,” Fang Zhaomu had a glass in one hand, and his other hand grabbed onto Song Yuanxun’s sleeve and pulled him towards the kitchen. Fang Zhaomu was not very strong, but he was able to make Song Yuanxun move along with him. “What are you cooking? Why does it smell a little strange? Is it burnt?”
“It’s porridge.”
Song Yuanxun could not cook very well. He did not cook often, and only knew the simplest dishes. He had woken up very early to prepare porridge for Fang Zhaomu, and had spoilt a batch already, quickly redoing one more.
Fang Zhaomu held the glass and looked around the kitchen. “Why didn’t you use the rice cooker to cook the porridge?”
Song Yuanxun glanced at Fang Zhaomu, smoothly explaining, “It tastes better like this.”
“Oh,” Fang Zhaomu nodded his head, understanding. He took it onto himself to explain, “You didn’t know that you can cook porridge with your rice cooker.”
Song Yuanxun had wanted to object, but Fang Zhaomu was smiling at Song Yuanxun after saying that. He revealed two very shallow dimples, and Song Yuanxun no longer said anything.
Song Yuanxun had seen Fang Zhaomu’s sleeping robe before. Fang Zhaomu was wearing this exact one during that video chat. In grey, Fang Zhaomu looked very gentle, and he even had Song Yuanxun’s jacket over him, leaning over to Song Yuanxun, looking at the bubbling water in the pot.
When Song Yuanxun did not like Fang Zhaomu, he felt uncomfortable seeing him, as Fang Zhaomu was always able to affect him, and he could not proceed with his work normally.
When he realised he liked Fang Zhaomu, Song Yuanxun then understood. Everything about Fang Zhaomu was good, he was too good, and that was why he made him be on tenterhooks and restless, made him want to push him away, to avoid him, and wanted even more to pick him up.
“Song Yuanxun,” Fang Zhaomu waved his hand in front of Song Yuanxun. “Your porridge is about to burn.”
Song Yuanxun regained his wits and was pushed away by Fang Zhaomu. Fang Zhaomu put down his glass, lifted the pot lid, and took the ladle to start stirring.
He switched the electric stove to the smallest setting and stirred. Suddenly, he turned to Song Yuanxun and said, “Your kitchen is pretty big.”
This was the first time Fang Zhaomu ever mentioned his conversation with Andrew ever since he came back from Seattle. Hence, Song Yuanxun cautiously replied, “As long as you like it.”
“Why did you tell me that your kitchen is big?” Fang Zhaomu asked Song Yuanxun. “At that time, what were you thinking about?”
Bubbles arose from the bottom of the pot, popping open on the surface of the porridge.
Song Yuanxun could no longer recall what he was feeling then, but if he had to come up with a reason, since he said something like this, he definitely wanted Fang Zhaomu to come to his place.
Fang Zhaomu continued, “Song Yuanxun, what do you like about me? How much do you like me?”
He lifted his head slightly, gazing at Song Yuanxun with all his attention. Fang Zhaomu was also like this when doing his experiment and going to class. He was very focused and single-minded.
However, Song Yuanxun was a bad student. He did not answer the question completely, only giving a reply to the second part. Speaking ambiguously, yet explicitly, “I like you very much.”
Song Yuanxun knew that when Fang Zhaomu heard him say that he liked him, he might not feel too much about it. However, when he said it out loud, he felt very anxious and sheepish.
After all, Song Yuanxun had never said anything like this to anyone. In the past, he had never even thought about it, and the fews times he had said it to Fang Zhaomu this year, he had not received any good response.
“Then, why did you dislike me so much at the start?” Fang Zhaomu asked Song Yuanxun.
Fang Zhaomu’s expression was very serious, as though he was going to thrash everything out with him today.
Song Yuanxun gave it a moment’s thought, then asked Fang Zhaomu instead, “You want me to start right from the beginning?”
Fang Zhaomu put the ladle down. He turned around and crossed his arms, nodding at Song Yuanxun. “Mn, right from the beginning.”
“I first heard about you from Li Wei.” Song Yuanxun started.
“Oh,” Fang Zhaomu’s eyes chilled a little. He seemed to have understood something. “I can make a guess. He said I stole his spot?”
“I didn’t steal it. Our GPA are the same, and I scored better for my major, that’s why I was selected. He didn’t tell you that, right?”
Song Yuanxun’s silence confirmed Fang Zhaomu’s statement. “As for the perfume… You already know about that. Anything else?”
“At that time, I felt that you were…” Song Yuanxun found that word a little hard to say, and did not continue.
Fang Zhaomu said it for him. “You felt that I was girly?”
The porridge was done, but no one felt like eating. Fang Zhaomu switched the stove off and turned to look at Song Yuanxun. He pressed, “Am I right?”
About two minutes later, Song Yuanxun admitted. “Yes.”
“Then what about pretending to be an engineer?” Fang Zhaomu helped him take the lead.
Song Yuanxun slowly said, “Out of curiosity.”
“What were you curious about?” Fang Zhaomu paused. He asked directly, “Curious about how gays have sex?”
“No,” Song Yuanxun denied it a little wretchedly. “I knew it was you right from the start.”
Fang Zhaomu fell silent, and called out to him again after a moment. “Song Yuanxun.”
“Do you really like me?” Fang Zhaomu asked. “Or do you just want to sleep with me?”
Fang Zhaomu caught Song Yuanxun’s arm, tilting his head up to kiss Song Yuanxun. Song Yuanxun tried dodging him, but in the end still welcomed him, and pressed him against the marble countertop in the kitchen, kissing him fiercely and brutally. Fang Zhaomu’s clothes had fallen open, and Song Yuanxun could finally again touch Fang Zhaomu’s body. His body was very soft, suffused with a heat mingled with carnal desire.
Song Yuanxun lifted him up onto the counter, and Fang Zhaomu finally managed to separate himself a little from him. Gasping for air, his lips were swollen, his eyes out of focus, and his hand that was on Song Yuanxun shoulder slid down his chest, cupping his tented part of the body.
“You want to sleep with me.” Fang Zhaomu chose an answer for Song Yuanxun.
Song Yuanxun grabbed Fang Zhaomu’s wrist. He felt that he had not used much strength, but Fang Zhaomu cried out in pain, and so he let go.
“I do want to sleep with you,” Song Yuanxun did not avoid Fang Zhaomu’s eyes. “I like you, of course I want to sleep with you.”
“Yes, for today, you’ll like me.” The corner of Fang Zhaomu’s lips pulled up.
“It’s not only today,” Song Yuanxun said. “It’s everyday.”
“How could it be everyday?” Fang Zhaomu spoke. “You like me now, so you’ll be nice to me. But what if you don’t like me tomorrow?”
“When you stop liking me, will I have to go back to my previous life?”
“Song Yuanxun, why would I like Andrew? Why did I use a hookup app?”
“Because I was suffering too much in your school. Because every day, I had no one to speak to. Because no one liked me, because you didn’t like me, none of you welcomed me.”
“When you were lying to me, did you think about all these?”
“Your feelings are valuable, my feelings aren’t. Then, what about the feelings I gave Andrew, who can I look for to get them back?”
Fang Zhaomu cried. It was not loud, just that his emotions had caused his tears to fall. They slid down his face, dripping onto his thigh.
Song Yuanxun’s heart felt as though it would never beat again.
Ever since Fang Zhaomu came in contact with him, he had cried countless of times. He would cry when walking, cry when turning on the lights, cry behind the door, and cry when he kissed.
“Fang Zhaomu,” Song Yuanxun gripped Fang Zhaomu’s shoulders. He looked directly into Fang Zhaomu’s eyes, forcing Fang Zhaomu to look at him. “Fang Zhaomu.”
Fang Zhaomu looked him, his eyes filled with tears. He looked so sad, making Song Yuanxun feel that as long as he could make him never cry again, he would be willing to do anything.
“Mumu,” Song Yuanxun said. “If you want Andrew, look for him within me. If you feel that there’s anything different, I’ll change and make it the same.”
“Everything about me that’s wrong, I’ll change them all. Anything that you don’t like, you can just scold me.”
“My feelings aren’t worth a thing. Take them. Use them how you will. Your feelings — they’re worth everything in the world. Don’t take them back… don’t take them away from me.”
Later on when Fang Zhaomu tired himself out crying, Song Yuanxun carried him back to his room. Fang Zhaomu lay on Song Yuanxun’s shoulder, his breathing nasally.
Song Yuanxun placed Fang Zhaomu on the bed, then wanted to go downstairs to get him a bowl of porridge. Fang Zhaomu caught hold of him.
“Switch off the lights.” Fang Zhaomu said.
Listening to him, Song Yuanxun switched them off. Fang Zhaomu then said, “Lie down.”
“The porridge—” He was cut off by Fang Zhaomu.
“What porridge, come and lie down.”
Song Yuanxun thought about it, then lay down on the guest room bed in the dark. The soft body lay next to him for a very very long time, before moving and leaning onto him.
Fang Zhaomu’s hand grabbed hold of Song Yuanxun’s, lightly fitting his fingers with his.
“Song Yuanxun,” He said into Song Yuanxun’s ear. “You’ll need to change everything.”
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Translator’s Notes:
“My feelings aren’t worth a thing. Take them. Use them how you will. Your feelings — they’re worth everything in the world. Don’t take them back… don’t take them away from me.”
This is the best line in the novel in my opinion, and the reason why I really wanted to translate this novel QAQ
- ISMM Chapter 45 - May 11, 2023
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I’ve never posted a comment before, so I’m a bit shy, but thank you so much for translating this and even more for releasing it all at once. That line about feelings is so beautiful. I can see why it made you want to translate this story, and I think you did a beautiful job of it. I haven’t cried yet, but this is one of the few stories I’ve read where my heart truly just aches for the characters.
So sad.
You’re right, that phrase is so emotional. It explains so clearly Song Yuanxun’s feelings and grievances.
Are they going to live all their lifes with the lights off?!
I totally agree❤❤ Thank you for translating this novel
Oh the feels! This novel conveys both their emotional turmoil so well! Thank you so much for translating it!
This chapter took my breath away. I know so many people still want Song Yuanxun to suffer more for everything he did to Fang Zhaomu but after reading this chapter, can anyone really have the heart to wish him to suffer more? The more Fang Zhaomu tries to punish him, the more he himself suffers because he truly loves Song Yuanxun. The only way to heal is to forgive Song Yuanxun so he can also be happy. They both deserve to be happy and I hope they can both put the past behind them. I love them so much.
Song Yuanxun, get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, he wouldn’t be able to resist that. Your baby is too kindhearted for his own good.
P.S: Dear translator, you are so right about that line in this chapter. I read it over and over again just so I could savor each word. Thank you so much for the translation!🙏
Indeed, that line was so heartfelt. Song Yuanxun knew how much he’d hurt Fang Zhaomu, so he tried to make it all up by delivering his entire being at Fang Zhaomu’s mercy. His character took for so much a better turn.
I’m crying… this chapter was indeed beautiful, and no matter how beautiful the chapter ( I mean, every chapter I’ve read so far has been) i don’t really comment but this one deserved it. When Zhaomu cried and let out the reason he was looking forward to andrew just broke my heart. He really did suffer. And I’m so glad Song knew the right things to say, and yes indeed, that phrase was one of the most beautiful phrases ever said T^T
The angst is tearing me apart. I love the same lines. So profound. He is laying himself bare for Mumu. If this isn’t love… Thank you so much for this story.